___u break my heart, i'll break ur head__

Friday, June 17, 2005

*Dear God, you made it possible when facing obstacles. Please let me do good before I pass on in the hospital...and keep reciting the testimony of faith...*

You should see me now. You'd probably laugh your heads off. Ha. Ha. Ha. My eyes are swelling like hell...i look like I just had a gang fight instead of spending one whole night crying. Damn...to think I slept at 3 and woke up at 4. Stupid really...iD, iD, get a grip of urself ladee! Cum on...take a look at urself in the mirror. Honestly Hidayah, you think you'd be good enough for him. Nah...apparently not. That's why you're in this state right now. That's why he left you. You're stupid. Honestly. I can't stand you iD. Go shoot urself.

I thought...i had many many thoughts. But I thought wrong. All of them. Maybe I shouldn't think anymore, ya noe. Writers just write. They have no time to think. And I'm thinking way too much. That's why I'm not such a good writer eh? Maybe I should begin writing my life story. My autobiography or something. Maybe it'd be a much better sell-out than wateva I'm writing rite now. Hey...tat's an idea...

Ya Allah, sometimes I envy other people. Izzat...Natt. My sis...her bf. Khayriyyah...Andrew. Like why are they all so happy? Why do they love each other so much? Why couldn't I be that way? Why must our religion get in the way of things? Ya Allah, all I want is him back. But God, maybe u have bigger plans for me. You always have amazing plans for us don't you my Lord? I'm praying to you. And I'll never stop. Not until I see my way out of all this. Allah, help me through. Please. Guide me in this darkness.

Ya Allah, You rmbr the time I prayed to you? No wait. I mean the many, many countless times I prayed to you? I asked you to watch over him. I asked you to keep him happy. I asked you to listen to his prayers, his grief. I asked you to let his wishes come true. I asked you to keep him safe at all times. Noe wad? I'm still holding on to that. All of that. Keep my prayers okay, God. I still want all that for him. Amin.

You heard about it before? That phrase I mean. How does it go again...? Something about the worse way to miss someone is when he's sitting right next to you, yet you know you can't have him. Ha. Ha. I'm in that position. No, no...i mean LITERALLY. So, he's not gone. Still there. In one piece. And he's my friend. My good friend. My best friend. And we'll always be very very good friends, rite boy? So things are still a-okay. Isn't it? But it's comical. It's humorous how once you were something special and now you're just a friend. Haha. Comical really. Very funny. Oh hold up. Screw that. I mean, I mean...you're still something special. Yeah...you always will be. But it's so funny. So funny that you're just there...and you choose not to be mine. It's really very funny.

...but it's strange though why I'm not laughing.

From: The thoughts of my tears...
*Baby I love you, and I'll never let you go. But if I have to boy I think that you should know. All the love we made, will never be erased...and I promised you that you will never be replaced....*
To: The smile on your face...

[[Ya Allah, kau tabah kanlah hatiku. Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi onak duri hidup ini Ya Allah. Kau selamatkan dan kau lindungi lah dia yang ku sayangi Ya Allah. Kau berikan dia kebahagiaan. Aku memohon padamu Ya Allah. Aku memohon untuknya. Kau ampunkan doso-dosanya, Ya Allah. And please...tunjukkan lah kepadanya jalan yang benar. I love him. You noe I do. Amin.]]

11:36 AM