Tuesday, June 28, 2005

...i thought i died yesterday...

I told myself yesterday before i went to bed. I told myself, "If i wake up tomorrow and i'm still alive, i'll go to school. If i wake up tomorrow and i'm still breathing, i'll go to school. If i wake up tomorrow and i am no longer thinking of him, i'll go to school." Then guess wad?

I woke up.

I am still alive.

I am still breathing.

But i am still thinking of him.

And because of that last little reason, i decided not to go to school. I thought it was gonna be weird yesterday...facing him...but it went fine. Everything was like normal in school. The only sucky thing was...the bus ride home. I was with him and three other people...but i felt sooooo alone. So, so alone. I used to be in his hugs. Used to hold his hand. Used to sleep on his shoulder.

Now? He's right there beside me...but i got no hug...i have no hand to hold on to...and i'm leaning my head, sleeping on the bus window instead of his shoulder.
I told myself to get a grip. I told myself that it'd be fine and that I AM NOT GOING TO CRY in the bus. And so i didn't. I stayed strong. And then came the interchange and came his bus and he just left. He used to kiss me before he went. Now? Nothing...just a hurried 'bye' and he left. And you know wad silly thing i did? I cried. At the bus interchange. I cried.

And yesterday he told me. Firmly and clear. Decisive and truthfully. He told me he still likes me but we just can't be together. LIKE. L-I-K-E. You are supposed to like cats, ice-creams, dogs...you are supposed to LOVE your girlfriend. So apparently it shows doesn't it? The whole time it had been one-sided. The whole time it was just me and my stupid feelings. It was an infatuation. He doesn't love me. That's why he left.

I hate myself for always being the one to give love. Why do i never get one in return? I would give my life for him if that's what it takes to show how much i really love and care. But i guess no one appreciates love anymore now....

And honestly.

Tomorrow i'm gonna wake up dead.

I won't be breathing anymore.

But i'm still...i'm still gonna be thinking of him...

Id.nurHIDAYAHhalim.24november89.
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