Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I've long rid myself of emotional blog entries and posts that makes me out to be a lovesick imbecile. It's one of the few pitiful truths - when your blog is viewed publicly, you'd rather not portray yourself as an insufferable pain-in-the-ass. Then people will talk, news passed around and you'll find yourself becoming a celebrity in less than half a second. Your entries go famous overnight. For all the wrong reasons.
So as the moon slowly reaches its peak, i find myself sitting in the same room as seven Cristiano Ronaldo posters, wondering why i've banned myself from typing blog entries right from the heart. All this while it has been a facade of harmless posts about football, football and everything football. To erase reality, i made myself an unpaid commentator...i hardly blog about my life. And the more i re-read my previous posts, the more i laughed to myself. Why Id why? What's with the secret agenda?
What you've read in
www.listen-to-meee.blogspot.com for these past few months was neither a product of my wonderful ideas, nor my brilliant mind, but instead was assumably futile attempts of mine to block out the real world that have blinded me with worry and clouded me with weariness.
Yes, if you've been wondering. Yes yes yes, double triple yes. I am not in the right state of mind. Everything and anything around me slaps me back to reality.
For five days straight i've been trying so hard to make sure everything's fine between Feeqah and Ab. I sacrificed my prepaid to call Ab, then Feeqah, and be the messenger to solve their problems. I gave Ab the company he needs and i gave Feeqah advices of such. I've done all that i could ever do to save their relationship. I wanted to see Ab smile, to see him refreshed and energized, no more looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. It calms me down when i see his picture with Feeqah on the wallpaper of his phone. It gave me a sense of satisfaction. And yet yesterday, the irony of this whole situation smacked me hard.
"U, kiter dah ok tau. Me and Feeqah dah settle things, so it's all fine now."His words are suppose to make me breath even easier now, knowing that all my effort has not gone to waste. But it didn't. And i can't give a reason why. It just did not. When Ab said that to me, i was stunned, frozen, completely blanked out. I tried to smile, but i could feel myself faltering. The only thing i managed to do was to plaster the most sincere smile i could curve, and went,
"Serious? That's good sak! Happy2 ah korang skarang ehh."Then i turn around to pass Din his helmet. The guy looked at me, raised his eyebrows and shook his head. And i know straight away that even though i tried to hide it from myself, the others could plainly see i was lying bluntly in my own face.
"Dorang happy, kau happy tak?"I trusted the helmet into Din's arms, giving him looks of warning. He picked up the delivery bag, chuckled to himself and walked off. I stayed there, flipped my phone open and saw HIS name on my profile.
*.A.N.D.Y <3.*I looked at Ab texting on his phone with a smile on his face, back down to my own phone and the name on the profile, excuse myself to the toilet, turned a corner into McCafe where we've already finished closing, sat down on the round bench, and finally after holding it in for so long, i let the tears out. I cried and cried and cried and cried.
I miss him. Everything from his hugs to his sarcastic comments, i missed it so much i'm suffocating. One week of disappearance is no mean feat. Nobody could confirm for sure that he's in camp, and summore Arab said the "white van" are on the hunt for them2. If they tracked Rafiq down, they'll for sure track Azwan, Azam...and everybody underneath them. Which could only mean one thing - Andy's probably down on that long-list.
Baby, is that why you've gone missing? Is that why you run away from the people you love? So scared you are of getting us all involve that you went into hiding so if you get caught, you get caught alone. But dearest can't you see? We're all behind you. We'll stick behind you whatever happens. I definitely will. I sacrificed so much already. I'm not about to let them take you away from me.
Syg i love you. And i noe what you promised me that night wasn't just empty words. You weren't drunk, neither were you high or drugged. So i know you meant it. I've heard empty, meaningless words from you before...so i know when you say something and you meant it. But why dis sudden disappearing act then dear? Why?
I'm surprised i could still cry. I'm surprised that there are still tears left. I tried so hard to be a perfect girlfriend for you. I wanted to erase your past, stir you to the right path of life, and i nearly succeed, but then u decide to go on a missing spree. Baby, i'm so afraid of losing you, especially when i'm not even sure if there is a product to our late nights. It's time like this that i need you so badly. Need you to hold me tight, kiss my forehead and call me all the Japanese names you can come up with. But where are you now when i need you the most?
Guess there is still so much more this life holds for us. So much more cabaran Allah has in store. Allah Hu Akhbar. God, grant me patience and strength.
Andy, i've been flooding my keyboard with tears since the start of this entry, and i'm not sure if i'm about to stop. This could be my longest post of the century, but it could never fully capture how crushed i am. It could never grasp the actual hurt my heart is experiencing.
Andy dearest, would you have the heart to break someone who's already broken?
12:24 AM
